The truth is, we have a lot of things, but the house isn't in as much a state of clutter as is my mind.
Articulate and I had a long conversation last night (date night, courtesy of D.). We discussed such things as why it doesn't really make sense to budget right now although I worry about finances and health care costs after I leave work, how long A.D. will continue to apply for new faculty positions, and where we really want to move if interesting post or a hypothetical one like it does not work out. Among the issues raised in this last part of the discussion was whether we should consider career options for me (in my current career) as part of our move. I said, I don't wish to consider them. I no longer enjoy my work, and I can't see wanting to come back to it anytime soon.
And then these doubts begin to plague my mind again. Why do I not enjoy my work now, when a year ago it was fine, and 1.5 years ago I was having a pretty good time? Is it just the pregnancy hormones? To which Articulate astutely asked, "What do you want right now? Do you want certainty?" Well, maybe. Although I know in my mind that nothing in life is certain, perhaps my heart still hungers for it.
Finding no certainty, I think I'll eat chocolate.
4 comments:
I don't enjoy work anymore either. People tell me it comes back, the joy in work that is. And I have a career that I am supposed to love. I do have to say that I played a concert yesterday that I enjoyed, but my daughter is almost one, so I "should" be back on track. Right now I could imagine having more kids and never wanting to work again!
I actually left work with no particular intention to return to the same career twice before. There are certainly moments that are enjoyable, but my work has never been quite what I expected it to be. And yet, I have twice returned, which makes it scary to say that when we look for a place to settle, we don't need to consider my career. But I don't have to say I am done with it "for good". Who knows what the future will bring? Right now, I am drawn to spend more time with my family. And perhaps, I will have the courage to explore new career paths, as well.
Tough decisions. I can't even as much as think of desiring "certainty" right now. It's a luxury I'm not allowed to have at this point (and haven't been for way too many years now). I'm used to it, I guess... used to not knowing what the future is going to be, of living temporarily, moving from place to place... It's fun, even :)
Lillian,
We've done our share of moving around, too. I think it's been 5 different addresses (and one of them twice) since 2003. It has, at times, been fun ... but now we are just yearning for a place to settle down for a while, to stay long enough to get settled in, unpack *all* of the boxes, and make it our own. Whether or not I am certain I want to quit my career, the expenses here are high and it just doesn't feel like home.
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