Sunday, November 25

I repeat myself

Am I doing a dis-service to myself and society by choosing to opt-out of the full-time workforce? Am I really choosing to do so, or is my choice so constrained by societal norms that I don't even see it?

What are my constraints? The commute that makes it impractical to stop home and see the boys during the day. Available, but limited telecommuting. My energy, which waxes and wanes on a random schedule because of the pregnancy hormones. Then, there's a a household to run. Oh, I'm by no means doing this alone, but there are some details which seem to busy me more frequently, as mom, than anyone else in the house: Holidays are coming - what gifts should we get? When should we have our celebrations? What should we eat? When should we get the groceries? The Inventor's 3-year checkup needs to be scheduled. So do dentist appointments for the boys. And we need to get things for the school food drive.

More insidiously, I wonder if things are being done the way I would do them, if I were at home. How have we gone through so many paper towels and so much laundry detergent in the past few months? Are the boys getting adequate stimulation while I am at work? Is the Inventor learning his letters? Is the Painter getting enough intellectual challenges to supplement kindergarten (which is socially, but not mentally challenging for this one)? Are the boys missing out because D doesn't drive and can't take them as many places as I think I would? Fortunately I don't wonder about these things too much. But I suppose they do affect my thinking when I consider whether I would rather work or stay home.

But beyond the constraints, I think taking some time off to be "just a mom" is my excuse to be me. Societally, raising kids is generally seen as an accepted (although under-compensated) alternative to working, whereas quitting to "find oneself" is seen in a much less favorable light. I say "societally" but these attitudes are apparently well-ingrained in my mind, as well.

Still, I repeat myself. I have twice before left my career with no intention to return. Once was several years before the Painter was born, and once when he was not quite one-year old. I have some idea what it will be like to be home with the boys, although three will certainly be different than one. And I also know that just as I left twice before, I returned twice before. I repeat myself.

I fear that rather than finding new paths, I will lose myself in mothering as much or more than I am lost right now. I fear that I will regret leaving my job at a place others only dream of working. I fear that my mind will atrophy. I fear that leaving my income now will limit our lifestyle and future choices. I fear that moving closer to family, I will miss the mild winters in this part of the country.

But does any of that really matter? I am drawn right now towards freedom and away from the daily grind. I am drawn towards the beauty that my boys bring to my life. I am drawn to the connections of family. I am drawn to explore my dreams, to create, to live consciously. I choose now to listen to my thoughts and dreams and inspirations, and when the opportunity arises, take incremental steps to make them come true.

It's okay that I repeat myself. I have done what seemed right at the moment and I will continue to do so.

6 comments:

Mika said...

It sounds as though you have made your choice. It is normal to have reservations, because your choice involves risk (as all changes do) but you know the risks, and it sound as if the pros outweigh the cons. Especially coming form someone who deals with very harsh winters - you get used to it!
There will always be a job for you, and if you seem to go back to work after you stopped, then that is a good thing - it means you can! If you stop working and find yourself wanting to go back then you will. But I understand how hard the choice is. There doesn't seem to be an ideal solution in our society.

bella said...

It's all we can ever do, just do what is there right in front of in any given moment. Sometimes that is to leave and sometimes it is to return, and maybe to once again repeat.
I admire women who are willing to listen to themselves, truly listen, and live according to their own knowing, with the freedom that this may change again. So for now you choose this. and as for later? It will take care of itself when the time comes. For now, you listen and respond. Bravo!

Anonymous said...

Nothing is forever.

Cheryl said...

Thanks for the comments and the support, ladies. I think I am on the right path ... but waiting is hard for me. I know if I walk my path and pay attention to the moment, the time will pass quickly. Remembering that is harder.

Shawn said...

So, have you made this decision final?

I think the beauty is in the choice and in changing minds and returning again when we want or need to.

The only disservice is not following your heart when it's clearly leading you.

Cheryl said...

Honestly, all that is certain is that I will be going on maternity leave sometime in the next two months. I suspect that I will not want to return in May, although I do still feel an obligation to the people I am working with and the projects I am working on. But what I want is to live closer to family, and settle somewhere affordable. If I could transplant my current position to someplace nearer my family and only work part time, I might do that, and I will ask, when the time seems right. But it might actually be better for me, if that option is not open, as I think I will find it easier to listen to my heart if I know the door to my current career is closed, at least for a while.